Friday,29 March 2013 :
Today is Good Friday.The day that Jesus died on the cross for us human.Mom went to the Church for morning session of Good Friday prayer.There will be another session at 8pm later on and i'm leading the evening session of the Good Friday service.
I don't know why but I feel so alone and empty. I just sit quietly infront of the tv and my mind was all over the place.So many things going on in my mind and I just couldn't find any sense of peace in my heart. I'm having a melt down over my past relationship which took its tool way too much over my emotions and life.It is sad knowing that everything is over and things are not the same anymore.The person who used to be a big part of your life suddenly became a stranger and you don't talk to each other anymore.Why does it have to end up like this?i started questioning God.Why should this happen to me?God,am I don't deserve to be loved?to be honest,i miss the feeling to love and to be loved.
I cry and cry for quite a moment.I was very sad and it even affected my service that night.Forgive me God.
Saturday,30 March 2013 :
Just chilling at home doing nothing.My gout is back and I can't barely walk.It was severe this time that my ankle joint is swollen and turned red.I decided to go to the pharmacy to get my drug coz I can't stand the pain anymore.Thanks for the aching feet,it made me forget the pain in my heart for awhile.I then reactivated my Facebook with the hope that I can keep myself busy and eventually will found someone else to fill the emptiness inside me.Maybe thats what I need.A new one so that I can truly move on from the past.Well,it didn't.The Facebook I known before is not the same.Everything is now weird and awkward or maybe its just me.Its been awhile since I last logged in.Hmm,this is so wrong!What am I even doing here?.well,i did buzzed a few 'old flame' and they gave me a good sign but I just can't feel it.This is just too wrong,i said.Then I deactivated it.AGAIN.I went to the church that evening.We got visitor from SIB Tamparuli.I can't feel anything.Can't even put my mind to focus.too tired I guess.I cry again on the bed.God,send someone to love me!i really need someone by my side.i need someone that can listen to my problem.someone that can make me happy.please~
Sunday,31 March :
I didn't go to church.I'm watching History channel about Jesus.The story was two hours long.At the end of the story,i cried.I go to my room.i sat down and pray.I thanked Him for all the blessing He gave me,for the hard times I've been through.Forgive me God for all the sins and wrongs I've done my whole life.Forgive me if i'm not grateful enough.Wash me with Your blood.Change me.Take this pain away coz I can't take it anymore.Make me forget the two years relationship.It is too sweet to let go but please take it away.Make it disappear.Free me.I want to erase the face from my thought.Let it go!
I then lay down on my bed sobbing.I continue talking to Him.God,if You can't make me forget,just give me the courage to let that person go.Let my heart be willing to see that person be with another man.
I pray for their happiness.Bless that person coz I love that person so very much.
Then God answered me :
"Kenapa kau harus melupakan dia?Jangan memusuhi dia hanya kerana kau ingin melupakan dia.Apa yang sudah terjadi antara kalian,jadikan ia sebagai satu kenangan yang indah dan sebagai pengajaran untuk kamu berdua.TETAPLAH MENGASIHI DIA kerana dia adalah temanmu dan bagian dari hidupmu"
I burst into tears.
I play the 'Sentuh hatiku' song from my handphone and sang along with it.Peace gradually come to me as I sing the song.
Thank you God.The burden has been lifted up and now I'm free.I know You will always there for me and let me live according to Your plan from now on.
"Saya akan selalu mengasihinya Tuhan dan saya akan selalu mendoakan yang terbaik untuknya.
Terima kasih Tuhan di atas segala yang telah terjadi dan ajar saya untuk selalu mengasihi 'bagai air mengalir yang tiada pernah berhenti"