Sunday, January 27, 2013
i'm starting to questioning myself.
digging deeper and deeper reaching the deepest part of my heart.
I've been searching high and low for an answer.
just a little glimps of it will do as long as i don't have to be tortured by this confusing dilemma any longer.
i found nothing.
torn apart and lost i began to memorize my past,trying to summarize and ended up making a(thousands of) conclusion(or an excuse) just to ease my heart from this endless chain of question mark that i'm in.
'this is going nowhere' .
this is crazy.
was i that devastated from the past unsuccesful relationship that until now,i have never open my heart for another 'love' or even just a little possibilty of it?
to be honest,i moved on faster than i thought after the blow and i was so positive that a little 'silly love incident' such that won't ever bring me down and yes,i was feeling happy(at least i think so).can't say it didn't affect me at all but i tend to think of it as a lesson learned,things happens for a reason,NEXT!
the thing is,now the feeling is gone..
the feeling to love and to be loved,i don't have it in my system anymore.
its like,i've been reprogrammed or something.
Cruel bitch-slap form reality,
i came to a realization that something is really going on in my life
and i have to figure it out.
just the thought of losing the ability to love is enough to set me on a hot seat and honestly,its burning me inside.what if its really going to happen(or maybe its already happenning now?)
how can you be so sure?
intensely interrogating myself over this case searching for the truth.
"i love you.i will wait for you and i will not give up on you.take your time and when you are ready,i'll be here for you"
~you're good person.i know its my lost and i'm going to regret this big time for letting a good person like you go but i just can't.Go find happiness that i can't offer you to have.
"let me be in your life and i will add colors in it"
~my life already have colors in it.Black,white and lots of red.Go paint your rainbow somewhere else.you deserved better than to wait for something i can't guarantee to give.
whenever someone trying to get close to me,i push myself away.
i'm not afraid of another heart break but i'm afraid that i'm the one causing it.
maybe i wasn't ready yet.
they said time will give answer to everything,
but i'm still waiting :)
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Sadly,2012 is now just a history.i left 2012 with mixed feelings.so many sweet and sad memories.
I lost my grandma,rest in peace Ina,i love you.i have so many guilt towards you,i supposed to treat you better but i know you understand where my anger came from.i miss you Ina.forgive me,your stupid grandson.
I lost my grandpa Sumbaki.i love that man.everytime he visit us,he never failed to make me laugh.we miss u much Baki.now you're at peace with Ina.we love u both,we miss u both.Rest in peace.
I lost my 2 years relationship with someone i love so dearly but thank God we're remain friends.i will never forget you and you will always be in my heart.
I lost a friend.he was bubbly,sweet and funny but i have to let go of him due to unwanted circumstances.be happy darling,wherever you are.God bless.i will never forget you.
My bestfriend got married.time goes by so quickly,my childhood friend is now a wife to someone.she deserved all d happiness in the world.finally girl~
Me?torned by the past,i have hard times to believe in people that claims they love me.i lost faith in relationship for now.i moved on but it taught my heart not to fall in love easily and not to trust easily.one day i will learn to love again.i just don't know when.
My resolution for 2013?i want to be a better man.i want to start a little bussiness.have a strong financial status and to start seriously thinking bout starting my very own family.
Dear God,thank you for the years you gave me,2012 especially.it taught me a lot.thank you for the joy,it taught me to be grateful.thank you for the hard times,i know its only reason is to make me stronger.
2013,i'm ready for you.
Come what may,bring it on~