a letter to you

 Dear you,

sorry we got to this point of no turning back.

sorry i have to go before i gave you the chance to speak for yourself.

sorry i blocked you totally from my life.

sorry if you feel like i left you hanging.

sorry.

you know what hurts the most?

tiba-tiba  berjuang sendiri untuk sesuatu yang kita mula kan bersama. kau ada di sana tetapi seakan tiada. i know you’re trying but semakin lama kita bersama,i feel like yang kau pertahankan cuma perasaan kau,bukan memperjuangkan “kita” sudah. I realized it for quite awhile,when the energy i got from you don’t match with what i gave you.You said you’re okay,we’re okay,but little that you know,you’ve changed.

i tried,everyday. fighting for us,shower you with promises that i know i’m really capable of doing. painting the picture of our future so that your feelings for me come to blossoms just like the first day we said the “i love you”

the more i try,the more you’re slipping aways from my grasp. i can no longer hold you as you keep on losing in your own world. 

but you’re my world. 6 months in,was the happiest time of my life. you make me feel belong,secure and grounded at the same time. those plan we made,i’m smiling thinking about it right now because,we were so happy back then. us against the world and i wouldn’t have it any other way.

it’s true what they said,sometimes you can only keep people in your heart but not in your life. it’s okay. i’m not mad. i only cried once after we’re apart. i cried,not because we’re no longer together,simply because we’re no longer hurting each other,that both of us can finally move on with our life. 

every break up is painful,i can’t lie but i prefer not to think about that part,i’m at peace knowing that we managed to do a lot of fun stuff together in our short period of “infinity”. that’s more than enough. we sing,we cook,we play cards,we shower together,we laugh but mostly we loved. ok,i take back my word,i cried writing this part,so i cried twice so far.

letting you go was easy,surprisingly. not because i hate you or i’m mad thing didn’t work out but 6 months together,i have given you the bestest of me. love,loyalty and attention,sometimes maybe a bit too much but you know how i am and by that,i have no regrets. i did my part the best i can. i gave you my all and thou in the end we’re back on being a strangers again,we’re strangers with memories and i will cherish that for the rest of my life.

i will always love you. eventhough one day i may find someone new and you find one too,know that you holds special place in my heart.my sweet baby,ok i cried for the third time.

i wish you all the best baby. even without a proper goodbye,know that i’ve had the best time with you. be good there,wherever you are. 

Goodbye my Kitchai ping,

24 march 2020.

i will always love you

Reynold Spine~

My Words,My World: May 2010~August 2012

My Words,My World: May 2010~August 2012

Blessful weekend~

Friday,29 March 2013 :
Today is Good Friday.The day that Jesus died on the cross for us human.Mom went to the Church for morning session of Good Friday prayer.There will be another session at 8pm later on and i'm leading the evening session of the Good Friday service.
I don't know why but I feel so alone and empty. I just sit quietly infront of the tv and my mind was all over the place.So many things going on in my mind and I just couldn't find any sense of peace in my heart. I'm having a melt down over my past relationship which took its tool way too much over my emotions and life.It is sad knowing that everything is over and things are not the same anymore.The person who used to be a big part of your life suddenly became a stranger and you don't talk to each other anymore.Why does it have to end up like this?i started questioning God.Why should this happen to me?God,am I don't deserve to be loved?to be honest,i miss the feeling to love and to be loved.
I cry and cry for quite a moment.I was very sad and it even affected my service that night.Forgive me God.

Saturday,30 March 2013 :
Just chilling at home doing nothing.My gout is back and I can't barely walk.It was severe this time that my ankle joint is swollen and turned red.I decided to go to the pharmacy to get my drug coz I can't stand the pain anymore.Thanks for the aching feet,it made me forget the pain in my heart for awhile.I then reactivated my Facebook with the hope that I can keep myself busy and eventually will found someone else to fill the emptiness inside me.Maybe thats what I need.A new one so that I can truly move on from the past.Well,it didn't.The Facebook I known before is not the same.Everything is now weird and awkward or maybe its just me.Its been awhile since I last logged in.Hmm,this is so wrong!What am I even doing here?.well,i did buzzed a few 'old flame' and they gave me a good sign but I just can't feel it.This is just too wrong,i said.Then I deactivated it.AGAIN.I went to the church that evening.We got visitor from SIB Tamparuli.I can't feel anything.Can't even put my mind to focus.too tired I guess.I cry again on the bed.God,send someone to love me!i really need someone by my side.i need someone that can listen to my problem.someone that can make me happy.please~

Sunday,31 March :
I didn't go to church.I'm watching History channel about Jesus.The story was two hours long.At the end of the story,i cried.I go to my room.i sat down and pray.I thanked Him for all the blessing He gave me,for the hard times I've been through.Forgive me God for all the sins and wrongs I've done my whole life.Forgive me if i'm not grateful enough.Wash me with Your blood.Change me.Take this pain away coz I can't take it anymore.Make me forget the two years relationship.It is too sweet to let go but please take it away.Make it disappear.Free me.I want to erase the face from my thought.Let it go!
I then lay down on my bed sobbing.I continue talking to Him.God,if You can't make me forget,just give me the courage to let that person go.Let my heart be willing to see that person be with another man.
I pray for their happiness.Bless that person coz I love that person so very much.
Then God answered me :
"Kenapa kau harus melupakan dia?Jangan memusuhi dia hanya kerana kau ingin melupakan dia.Apa yang sudah terjadi antara kalian,jadikan ia sebagai satu kenangan yang indah dan sebagai pengajaran untuk kamu berdua.TETAPLAH MENGASIHI DIA kerana dia adalah temanmu dan bagian dari hidupmu"
I burst into tears.
I play the 'Sentuh hatiku' song from my handphone and sang along with it.Peace gradually come to me as I sing the song.
Thank you God.The burden has been lifted up and now I'm free.I know You will always there for me and let me live according to Your plan from now on.
"Saya akan selalu mengasihinya Tuhan dan saya akan selalu mendoakan yang terbaik untuknya.
Terima kasih Tuhan di atas segala yang telah terjadi dan ajar saya untuk selalu mengasihi 'bagai air mengalir yang tiada pernah berhenti"
Amen.

Y.O.L.O ~You Only Live Once

Life can be tough sometime but you just gotta be tougher than life itself.
It is not going to be easy and its certainly not going to happen over night but all you need is to believe and to love yourself that you can take charge of your life.
That's exactly what I am doing now.

I'm so tired of carrying the painful emotion from the past.
It won't do me any good.
why should I keep holding on to it then?
that is just stupid.

I don't need it anymore.
Let it go and move forward.
Carry along the good memories and leave all the bad one behind.
Whats over is over cause it was meant to.

Yeah,
Life is so much more than that.
Be tougher,
Be smarter,
Be better.

I am happy.
My life is perfect the way it is.
Friends come and go,
Love built and broken,
but YOLO~you only live once!

Shit happens but life goes on.
exactly!
Don't waste our life in negativity.
Let the bygone be bygone.
You still alive and thats what matters.
When life knocked you down on your feet,
rise up,be positive and keep your head held high
but first and foremost,
"KEEP CALM AND PRAY"

"You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper"

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back"

May 2010~August 2012

There is nothing left to say.
I have no regrets of what has happen between us.
We've been together for so long now and we've been through a lot as a couple.
I remember taking care of you while you were sick.
Singing you a birthday song at 12 Am sharp every 28th July,
Fighting day and night,and make up again.
singing together.having fun,
praying together.
To give you a massage when you need it.
Kissing your forehead silently while you were sleeping.
Those I love you texts,long late night conversation,
the good mornings,good nights,have you eaten yet?
The promises we made,together forever,i will never leave you,
to stay loyal and to be there for each other.

I refuse to sleep everytime we get together because I don't want the time to pass by just like that,
watching you snoring in my arms sleeping like a baby is priceless to me.
You are my baby.
Our first Hello,first date,first kiss,first hug
I remember it like it was just yesterday.
I still can feel the warmth,the love,the soul and the passion.

Driving late at night just to see you,
you know I can't drive well at night due to my poor sight
but I don't mind cause I just want to be with you.
Through the rain and storm,i braved myself.
All I can think of is you.
US.

Do you still remember that one time we went out and the tyre flat all of a sudden
and we're stranded at the side of the road?
You know nothing bout car and to make thing worst,i'm limping cause my gout attacked me.
I can't barely walk.
You have to carry the heavy tyre to get to the side of the road where the car workshop is.
We fix the tyre together in the pouring rain.
Sweet eh? :)

we both pretty broke that time,
with the little money I made,i split it into two so that you can have some.
We don't have much but we have each other and thats all that matters.
You have me and I have you.
Complete.
Cause you're my everything.

..but all good things must come to an end
we both were badly hurt,
I cried and everyday without you by my side is a day wasted.
I miss you in every step of the way and I know you do too.

The last time we're on the phone,
you said everything has changed.
You met someone new.
You don't call me baby anymore like you used to
You said everything is too late now.
Indeed it is.
I love you,i said.
You didn't answer.
“are you ready to see me with another person?”i asked.
You said you never will.

~silence~

We cry together
but we know that thing will never go back to where it was
there is no reason left to fight for it.
I asked for a consent to call you 'Baby' for the last time
Go ahead~

“Baby,i will always love you and no matter whoever we're going to end up with,you will always have special place in my heart.Be happy”

“let's not be a stranger.lets meet up sometime”
“Lets not.Cause if we do,i don't think I can ever let you go.let's just stick to whatever we have now.Go on and be happy.i will find my own happiness.don't you worry bout me.i will be good”

Goodbye baby.

Only tears speaking on behalf of us because words is meaningless and we knew its the real ending now.
We finally reached the closure.

Heavy hearted,i slowly hit the 'end call' button,

the end call of 2 years relationship.
I Smiled.
In pain of course but I have no regret.
Some love aren't meant to be.
Well,it was meant to be.
It just didn't meant to be forever.

Farewell Baby~

we've done our best.
Thank you for the wonderful time we had.
Thank you for loving me the best you can.
Best wishes for you and though i'm not there with you,
you know I will always love you.

Just in case you're wondering if I've met someone new,

Maybe.

God,forgive us.

We're just a sinner crying on Your feet.
hunger for love,
longing for happiness,
heal whats broken,
free whats trapped,
lift up the burden
and lead us to Your way.

i will always love you~Part 1

It was a beautiful day.
i saw you standing on the stage,singing your heart out to God
and i just can't help it but to fall in love with you.
Singing my favorite gospel song,i was mesmerized by your voice.
My heart beating fast.
this couldn't be.
is it?am i?
dear heart,this is not the best time.i said to myself.

As the music stop,i open my eyes,trying to catch a little glimps of you.
My eyes was following you as you leave the stage to be with your friends.
And then you smiled.
Even not for me,your smile bring the joy to my heart.
I'm drowing.
Dimple!
I'm drowning...DEEPER.

You walked right in front of me
and i just can't find the words to say.
its like the time has stopped for a few second as you walk by.
You didn't noticed me.
Pretending i didn't see you either,i hide around my friends.
You're on the phone and i can hear your laugh and giggle clearly.
'i want to know you'
but how?
Then i remember the church pamphlet.
I rushed back to the church looking for it but i just couldn't find one.
I won't give up.
I went  for the rubbish bin and i found what i'm looking for.

There!
I read the whole paper.
My heart is jumping of joy as i saw the email address of your church Youth group in facebook.
I just can't wait to reach home from our sunday service at your church so that i can find you on facebook.
I throw down my bag and headed straight to my computer,log on my facebook account and start searching for you through the group.
Got you!
I hit the ADD button and wait excitedly for your approval.
...to be continued...

GONE

is it true?is it really gone?
i'm starting to questioning myself.
digging deeper and deeper reaching the deepest part of my heart.
I've been searching high and low for an answer.
just a little glimps of it will do as long as i don't have to be tortured by this confusing dilemma any longer.

i found nothing.
torn apart and lost i began to memorize my past,trying to summarize and ended up making a(thousands of) conclusion(or an excuse) just to ease my heart from this endless chain of question mark that i'm in.
'this is going nowhere' .
i'm panicing.
this is crazy.

was i that devastated from the past unsuccesful relationship that until now,i have never open my heart for another 'love' or even just a little possibilty of it?
was i?
to be honest,i moved on faster than i thought after the blow and i was so positive that a little 'silly love incident' such that won't ever bring me down and yes,i was feeling happy(at least i think so).can't say it didn't affect me at all but i tend to think of it as a lesson learned,things happens for a reason,NEXT!

the thing is,now the feeling is gone..
the feeling to love and to be loved,i don't have it in my system anymore.
its like,i've been reprogrammed or something.
yes,that dramatic~

Cruel bitch-slap form reality,
i came to a realization that something is really going on in my life
and i have to figure it out.
just the thought of losing the ability to love is enough to set me on a hot seat and honestly,its burning me inside.what if its really going to happen(or maybe its already happenning now?)
sigh~
how can you be so sure?
intensely interrogating myself over this case searching for the truth.

"i love you.i will wait for you and i will not give up on you.take your time and when you are ready,i'll be here for you"
~you're good person.i know its my lost and i'm going to regret this big time for letting a good person like you go but i just can't.Go find happiness that i can't offer you to have.

"let me be in your life and i will add colors in it"
~my life already have colors in it.Black,white and lots of red.Go paint your rainbow somewhere else.you deserved better than to wait for something i can't guarantee to give.

whenever someone trying to get close to me,i push myself away.
i'm not afraid of another heart break but i'm afraid that i'm the one causing it.

maybe i wasn't ready yet.
they said time will give answer to everything,
but i'm still waiting :)